There are a lot of reasons you might prefer to keep your religious beliefs—or lack thereof—to yourself. In a society that typically defaults to faith of some kind, it can be feel daunting to “come out” as a non-believer. Atheists can sometimes be stereotyped as jerks who want to debate or discount other people’s religious beliefs. But your desire to come out as an atheist might have nothing to do with debating anyone and everything to do with wanting to live your life honestly and according to your own principles.
Often, by the nature of atheism, your concern isn’t about spreading your belief, and it isn’t about adhering to some sort of atheist code. Instead, it’s about transparency and truthfulness. Depending where you live and the beliefs of your loved ones, practical issues around belief systems can come up. Will your parents expect a certain faith leader to officiate your wedding? Are they expecting you to baptize your child? Do you feel like you’re hiding something from your family and friends?
If you’ve decided you’re ready to come out as an atheist (and it’s safe for you to do so), you may be unsure of the best way to express yourself. Is there a right way to go about minimizing conflict with the believers in your life? Greta Christina, author of Coming Out Atheist: How to Do It, How to Help Each Other, and Why, writes that “there isn’t one magical coming out formula that’s right for everyone.” Everyone’s timeline is different and ongoing, since “coming out isn’t a single step we take once and are done with.”
Here are some tips and reminders to make coming out as an atheist as seamless as possible.
First, define what “coming out” means to you
Only you know how in-depth and detailed your coming out needs to be. Here are some practical questions to help you nail down what your atheism means to you:
Do you need to convince your family that you’re happy without religion?
Will someone you care about likely react negatively?
How will this impact your family decisions down the line, like with marriage, kids, or a lack thereof?
What will this mean for family and community traditions?
How will this impact your day-to-day life?
In Coming Out Atheist, Christina frames your decision around the difference between secrecy and privacy. If you feel like your atheism involves deception, then your coming out should safely address whatever makes you feel like you’re hiding who you are.
Focus on yourself
Coming out as an atheist should be about expressing your beliefs; it’s not the time to go about changing someone else’s. Keep in mind the questions above about defining your atheism as practically as possible. Again, this will be an ongoing process with opportunity for more conversations that dive into what you and the people around you believe. For now, focus on “I” statements in order to keep the conversation as grounded as possible.
In general, sooner is better
The sooner you come out, the more likely it is that you’ll be able to pick the time and place and avoid potentially uncomfortable (or even unsafe) spur-of-the-moment coming out. Christina lays out the less-than-ideal situations that may arise if you push off coming out indefinitely:
The sooner you come out, the less likely it is that someone else will out you (accidentally or intentionally); that someone in your life will force the issue (pressing the question and not accepting a vague answer–it happens more than you might think); or that a crisis will make it necessary for you to come out right away, even though the timing is lousy (such as a health crisis or a death in the family, where religious beliefs and the lack thereof suddenly become very relevant).
Plus, you’ll be giving the people in your life more time to get comfortable with the idea, if need be.
Plan things out
Once you figure out when and where you want to come out, take time to map out what you’re going to say. Like with any difficult conversation, it’s helpful to physically rehearse a script. Say your lines in the mirror, or write out talking points in your notes on your phone. Just also be prepared to go off-script—despite your best efforts, you can’t actually plan other people’s dialogue in real life.
It’s also a good idea to be thoughtful about when and where you have this conversation, especially with family.
“Choose a place where they can have their feelings with some privacy, and a time when you’ll have some time to hash things out if you need to,” Christina says. “As tempting as it might be to have the conversation in a restaurant where they can’t throw a fit, that’s not really fair.”
Pay attention to the relationship first
Take this conversation one step at a time. If you’re trying to preserve your relationships as best you can, then the moment you come out isn’t the time to interrogate and attack religion itself. Instead, center the conversation on what (if anything) is going to change about the relationship at hand.
Remind your loved ones that who you are isn’t changing. You’re asking to have this part of you respected, just as you respect their own choice to believe what they want. And if you don’t respect how they choose to believe, then this might be a more serious and final conversation about your relationship.
Prepare for confrontation
For most people, the core issue with coming out as an atheist is that by expressing your own belief, you will be inherently contradicting someone else’s. So, are you preparing for a point-by-point refutation of the family religion right away? Or are you simply expressing your desire to personally abstain from certain religious practices? Confrontation might be inevitable, so be ready to pick your battles.
Be confident
Make it clear that your coming out is not an invitation for group soul-searching. You likely put a lot of thought into this decision, so let the room know that you’re open to discussion, not debate.
Christina writes, “When people you care about act as if you’ve wounded them by not believing in God and by telling them about it, it can be painful to deal with.if people get upset when you tell them you’re an atheist, you can express compassion for their upset, without accepting responsibility for it.”
You can be sad that they feel badly, but you don’t have to say, “I’m sorry I did this to you.”
Be the bigger person
The reality is that the more open you are about your atheism, the more you’ll open yourself up to anti-atheism hostility. As we’ve said above, you’ll have to pick your battles, unless you want every conversation to turn into fruitless debate.
Where, when, and how you draw lines around your atheism may change over time. Be ready to be the bigger person and let some anti-atheist comments roll off your back.
Finally, if you’re coming out as an atheist and anticipate a bad reaction, be sure to establish a supportive community first—friends, selected family members, online, and so on. If your coming out doesn’t go as planned, take stock in the fact that you made an important decision to be true to yourself. That counts for a lot.